From the desk of J. Kenneth Hegan, Esquire:

Attention: Matthew Mallon
Editor, Vancouver magazine

Dear Matthew,

Here's my latest pitch. I think you'll agree this one's a winner.

After 5.5 years together, my girlfriend and I are getting married this July. And now I'm paralyzed with the dreaded Fiancé Fear.

My problem:
Happy endings come with monstrous price tags. She wants a big wedding but our budget is a bitter joke. I'm broke, cheap, and there's no freaking way we can afford:
1) a private ceremony on a yacht (unless we charge a cover)
2) a reception at the Rowing Club (unless it's BYOB potluck)
3) a honeymoon in Cuba (unless we get deported there)

I just applied for my sixth credit card and the billion-dollar wedding industry vultures are lining up to beat me like a redheaded stepchild. But then I had my "Eureka!" Late last night, unable to sleep, I came up with The Perfect Scheme to pay for my wedding--and even turn a profit: I'll exploit my wedding in Vancouver magazine!

In this series of short diaries and sexy fashion spreads, Vancouver readers will follow me, step-by-Scottish-step, as I plot a profitable West Coast wedding bash.

Matthew, the key is absolute shamelessness: you and I exploit my wedding as a showcase for numerous Vancouver businesses.

After detailing my ridiculously romantic proposal (seconds after she said yes on a Mexican beach, fireworks exploded over Puerto Vallarta), my diary would cover my prompt plunge into engagement cynicism, my Eureka scheme, and then kick into coverage of the Bayshore's annual Wedding Fair, Jan 10-12.

As you might guess, the Wedding Fair features expensive wedding stuff. So, in exchange for complimentary swag, we can woo sponsors with promises of city-wide publicity. For example, I'd like to scam catering from Reel Appetites, free suits/tuxes from Mark James clothing , a comp wedding night room at Opus Hotel, and a discount Cuba honeymoon package from Air Canada.

The Next Step:
You and your art director will then stage GQ-like advertorial fashion shoots to promote local upscale wedding profiteers. Featuring me and my blushing bride-to-be.

Benefit to Vancouver magazine:
A fun serialized diary tied to a novel campaign which will attract both new and established local advertisers.

Benefit to advertisers:
Stylish, prominent, serialized advertising.

Benefit to readers:
Instead of the usual advertorial, Vancouver readers will enjoy fashion spreads that are fun, stylish, and informational.

Benefit to me:
Free stuff.

The Big Twist:
My bride refuses to participate in any way. She refuses to be named in print, and refuses to be photographed without a black rectangle covering her eyes. So, if she gives us too much trouble, we'll dump her and get a model.

Interested? Let's do it. Send word.

Nuptially yours,

Ken Hegan
www.kenhegan.com

P.S. My tuxedo measurements:

Jacket: Size: 40, Chest: 38, Insleeve: 18
Pants: Waist: 35, Seat: 42, Length outseam: 44
Shirt: Neck: 16.5, Sleeve: 35
Shoes: 12 CDN

To read the next article in Ken Hegan's sponsored wedding column, click here