From the desk of J. Kenneth Hegan, Esquire:

Attention: Matthew Mallon
Editor, Vancouver magazine

Where were you? I hyped my wedding all year in your own magazine and you still forgot to show up? Get this: I almost didn't make it myself.

Four days before the wedding, virtually every detail was in place. Calona Vineyards, the Okanagan's premier and most awarded winery, graciously donated wine. Tina Wolfe said, "Ken, Calona Vineyards' wines are the best way to toast your marriage. Our Artist Series tells a story that begins on the label and finishes on your palate. For your reception, I suggest our classic 2001 Merlot and elegant 2002 Pinot Blanc. The unique labels will enhance your tables, and the wine will beautifully complement your salmon feast."

For cocktails, Andrew Comber of Aotearoa Food and Wine generously donated South Gin and 42 Below Vodka. The best part: he specially imported them from New Zealand to make their Canadian debut at my wedding. Andrew said, "Ken, your guests will be the first Canadians to experience New Zealand's premium vodka and gin. I calculate there's enough South Gin and 42 Below Vodka for 3-4 drinks per guest, so this should definitely make the speeches entertaining!"

The linens even matched the flowers. Dan Sebal at A&B Party Rentals gave me a sweet deal on seat covers. My chairs were going to be better-dressed than half the guests. A&B Party Rentals, you're the best!

And goodbye lumpy futon: UpCountry (soon to be Koolhaus) gave us a free bed! Lovely owners Beth-Anne Quinn and Stephen Sutch, said, "Ken, as every married person knows, it's not the wedding but the marriage that counts. Who can build a solid marriage in an old bed that holds past lovers' secrets? You and your unnamed bride deserve a fresh start in our dazzling queen-size Java Opera Bed! To see your new marital bed, visit Koolhausdesign.com. And you can register with us, too!" I love UpCountry!

Speaking of java, while composing and reading over 1,700 sponsor emails, I guzzled so much coffee that the Newton Dental Group intervened. Dr. Gallit Ziv said, "Hegan, I know you're broke/Scottish, but you can't get married with teeth like that. I'll give you and your bride free cleanings and bleaching kits. Open evenings and Saturdays, we've even got televisions." Sparkling teeth? This could be the best wedding ever!

Suddenly, everything tanked. I still had not booked a honeymoon. Out-of-town guests were crashing on my couch. The phone jangled with people offering me glow-in-the-dark ice cubes. Then the worst thing happened: 52 hours before our vows (which I still hadn't written), our caterer dropped The Bomb. She said her company was broke and if I didn't bring her a bag filled with cash, she wasn't going to show up at all. Total shakedown! My salmon buffet was being held hostage by the food mafia. My bride was livid. I had to hide all the knives to keep her from going Tarantino on the weasels.

I distracted her with Deserving Thyme's all-natural skin and body care products. I was supposed to save 'em for the honeymoon, but this was an emergency! I made her sniff a vial of "Hey Relaaax" aromatherapy blend. When she stopped hyperventilating, she bathed with their "body care with a healthy attitude." Now she loves their products. They are "pure, spa-quality, and full of personality." Nice save, Deserving Thyme!

So I'm giving my bride a backrub with one hand, and trying to order 125 pizza pockets with the other. Definitely a bad time to tell her our ceremony location was double-booked with a high school reunion. So now we had 125 people going God-knows-where, for a wedding ceremony saying God-knows-what, then off to our reception to get shitfaced, gaze at pretty linens and starve.

Then Coast Plaza Hotel and Suites saved my marriage! In an emergency meeting with their catering director Fiona Ronyai, she said the Coast Plaza Hotel and Suites offers one of the best kept secrets in the wedding industry: a magnificent rooftop garden in the West End! "You can marry your Unnamed Sweetie by our lovely gazebo. Nearby is a tranquil duck pond; a perfect place for photographs or drowning renegade caterers. Your guests will love our wonderful oasis in the heart of the West End."

Friendly and efficient, Fiona became my personal wedding angel. She even provided beautiful rooms and suites for our weary family travellers: "Ken, I can't think of a better way to show off our gorgeous city than by hosting your guests at the Coast Plaza Hotel and Suites. All our Coast Plaza rooms offer balconies and many have full kitchens or water views. They're spectacular!"

Our planners (Countdownevents.com) found a new caterer, while I scribbled vows on the palm of my hand. I pulled on my free tux (Thetuxstore.com) and sprinted to my wedding. It was awesome! Laughter. Tears. Open-mouthed kissing! I finally married the love of my life. And our reception at the charming Vancouver Rowing Club was stellar. Booze flowed. Photographers Reine Mihtla and Jana Vackova were amazing. Toasts were beautiful. There was so much love and liquor, our happy guests actually did The Wave. The maid-of-honour's dress exploded. People hucked shot glasses at boats. And when the dancing erupted, my 82-year-old granddad bounced to Eminem.

I've learned a lot this year. For example, I never want to plan another wedding. Ever. I also learned there's no such thing as a free lunch. But there is such a thing as a free wedding ring, bridal suite, photographer, DJ, wedding invitation, hair and make-up stylist, florist, wedding planner, masseuse, boat cruise, tuxedo, improv comedian, guest hotel, ceremony site, wine, gin, vodka, teeth bleaching, seat cover, aromatherapy, marital bed and glow-in-the-dark ice cube.

And there's also such a thing as a free honeymoon.

Tell you when I get there,

Ken Hegan
Freshly Married Man®
www.kenhegan.com

To read the final article in Ken Hegan's sponsored wedding/honeymoon column, click here