From the desk of J. Kenneth Hegan, Esquire:

Attention: Matthew Mallon
Editor, Vancouver magazine

This is getting insane. Before this sponsorship scheme, my wedding was going to be a grim basement beer & Cheezies potluck. But thanks to my sponsors, my wedding will now be an elegant, upscale soirée. Our parents are thrilled. Friends are cheering me on. Ex-girlfriends are calling up to see how I'm "doing." And all because I'm a golden whore! My unnamed bride and I just had a raging debate over our need to get a toulle sponsor. Whatever toulle is, I'm the one who wants it. Call now, savvy toulle-maker!

My penny-pinching Scottish mother is sure impressed that I snagged Reine Mihtla, one of Canada's finest professional wedding photographers. Reine has shot Liz Taylor and the Queen of Denmark (I didn't even know they were married!). Reine's photos are vivid, candid, and utterly gorgeous. She's gifted, man, a total artist. Visit ReineWeddings.com to see why my mother blurted, "Son, Reine Mihtla is a wedding visionary."

For my wedding, Reine's offering:

• Two wedding photographers for eight hours (Reine Mihtla and Jana Vackova)
• 17 rolls of film and 600 full-frame prints
• Two catalogued proof books (and all negatives included)

Reine told my mum, "Mrs. Hegan, I'd love to shoot Ken's wedding because we have the same dynamic style. With me behind the lens, I promise that you will look absolutely sensational." Hooray! "I adore Reine Mihtla!" shouted Mum. And that's Mihtla with a silent H.

Which reminds me. I've been freaking out about the cost of wedding music. Roger, my dance-happy future-father-in-law, helpfully lent me his Super Swinging Mix tape featuring Vera Lynn's Hits of the Blitz. But thankfully I've hooked up with Hot Hit Productions, Vancouver's premier mobile music and DJ service "serving thousands of satisfied party-goers since 1988!"

I was impressed with Hot Hit's flexibility, professionalism and motto: "We Play What YOU Want to Hear!" As opposed to "We Play What ROGER Wants to Hear!" Hot Hit's Joe Arsenault promised he'd "spin some hip-hop for your significantly younger bride," and guarantees his complete wedding package (mic, lights and sound system included) will keep our party jumping for seven magical hours. "Joe's a godsend," admits Roger, "so call Hot Hit Productions today!"

Plus, I'm tickled to announce that I've secured two fabulous wedding planners at CountDown Events. Committed to "unparalleled quality service," CountDown Events is graciously taking over the massive wedding workload. They're helping with vendor referrals, contracts, timelines, scheduling, flower selections, room and table layout, plus they're personally coordinating our ceremony and reception, including setup and tear down!

My fiancée's hugely relieved, and this sponsorship is personally saving me a fat stack of cash. CountDown Events' Shelley Barac and Soha Lavin told me, "Ken, as your personal planners, we will ensure that every aspect of your wedding is executed with utmost perfection from start to finish. Anything to make your wedding a stress-free success! P.S. I know you're Scottish but do you really want us to collect a cover charge at the door? Can we at least comp your bride?" My mum replied, "Sure, why not?" and then added "Shelley and Soha are goddesses in human flesh, son."

Next I'm seeking complimentary tuxes, rings, liquor, limos, spa services, a honeymoon (or two) and a house near Cambie/Main. Hell, I'm tempted to postpone the wedding just to get more free stuff!

Nuptially yours,

Ken Hegan
www.kenhegan.com

P.S. Dude, I have to mail the invites...can I use the Vanmag mailroom?

To read the next article in Ken Hegan's sponsored wedding column, click here